The subtle art of not caring

This best-selling book is actually entitled “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F\*ck: The Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life” by Mark Manson. I just omitted the F-word in the title so as not to display vulgarity. Anyway, this book is about choosing better problems because life will not be without problems, even if the media tells us otherwise. Social media streams, for example, show people having fun, making it appear that they don’t have problems or subtly telling us that we should not have problems. But life will never be short of problems. If you dream of having a big house and finally acquire it, you will now have the problem of maintaining and cleaning it. If you solve your loneliness by getting married, married life will have its own challenges. If you find a way to exercise and improve your health, such as going regularly to a gym, you now have the problems of getting up on time, making time for it, experiencing the pain of exercising, etc. The author says, “Don’t hope for a life without problems, there’s no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.” And the two ways to have better problems are the following:

(1) Subtly stop caring who’s to blame for your problems and take responsibility

The moment you stop looking for someone to blame and take full responsibility for your problems, you will feel empowered to do something about them. Because if you’re not in a better place a month from now, then it’s your fault.

Spider-Man’s uncle said, “With great power comes great responsibility,” but Manson provides a more insightful quote: “With great responsibility (not blaming anyone or anything) comes great power.”

In 1872, William James’s life was falling apart. At age 30, James was unemployed, his father was ashamed of him, and he suffered constant back spasms. James considered taking his life. But late one night, after reading lectures by the philosopher Charles Peirce, James decided to conduct an experiment: “For a year, I will take 100% responsibility for everything wrong in my life.” If his life wasn’t better in 12 months, he would admit defeat and take his life.

Thankfully, the experiment worked. James later called the experiment his “rebirth.” In the years that followed, he went on to become one of the most influential psychologists of all time. The decision to take responsibility for his problems allowed him to direct all his energy toward improving his life, which improved the lives of many other people.

When you take responsibility for a problem, you take responsibility for how that problem makes you feel. If someone steals your car, the level of rage or calm you experience afterward is entirely up to you because you decide how you want to respond to the situation. One way to have a more thoughtful response to your problems is to gain distance from them. Gain distance from your problems by asking yourself, “How will I feel about this problem 10 years from now?”

(2) Subtly stop caring how painful your problems are

Your success is determined by your answer to the question: “What pain can you sustain?”

The author says, “People who enjoy the struggles of a gym are the ones who run triathlons and have chiseled abs. People who enjoy long workweeks and the politics of the corporate ladder are the ones who fly to the top of it. People who enjoy the stresses and uncertainties of the starving artist lifestyle are ultimately the ones who live it and make it.”

The subtlety in not caring about how painful your problems are lies in knowing which pain you should lean into and which pain you should avoid. To know which pain you should lean into, you must know your values. All emotional and psychological pain results from a personal value being violated. If seeing your child struggling to read is painful, it’s because you value their happiness and education. If seeing your neighbor drive a Tesla makes you angry because their Tesla is nicer than your car, you value material success and measure your worth accordingly. You could endure 100-hour workweeks to get a nicer car, but you have to ask yourself, “Is it really worth it?” You get to decide which values are worth fighting for and which are not.

Whenever you’re struggling with a problem, ask yourself: “What is the underlying value that is causing my pain?” The goal is to be aware of any outdated or superficial values you are needlessly suffering to uphold and replace them with more meaningful values — values you are willing to suffer for. Life is full of suffering, but your suffering will feel meaningful if you choose values that are worth suffering for. As the author of this book once said, “Happiness does not mean a life without struggle, it’s a life of meaningful struggle.”