Nice isn’t always kind

By Herman M. Lagon

The “nicest” person I knew in my early years of teaching never raised his voice, never disagreed openly, and never made anyone uncomfortable. Students described him as mabait and colleagues as easy to work with. But one afternoon, a student submitted a clearly struggling research paper — thin, rushed, and quietly asking for help between the lines. He skimmed it, smiled, and said, “Okay naman.” The student nodded, relieved. Weeks later, that same student failed the course. I remember thinking then that something did not sit right. The teacher had been pleasant, agreeable, even gentle. But he was not helpful. He was not, in the deeper sense, kind.

We often treat being nice and being kind as the same. They are not. Nice and kind are not twins. Niceness shows up in polite smiles and safe conversations — very us, very pakikisama. But kindness? It can be uncomfortable. It doesn’t try to impress. It tries to help, even when it’s not easy.

In classrooms, the difference is clear. A “nice” teacher may soften feedback too much or pass a struggling student just to avoid tension. It keeps things peaceful, but learning suffers. A kind teacher takes the harder route — pointing out gaps, staying after class, and asking deeper questions. It may feel heavy, but it helps students grow. Recent studies show that when students experience consistent, trust-based relationships with teachers, they become more motivated, more engaged, and more likely to succeed academically — not just feel comfortable in class (EdTrust, 2023; Learning Policy Institute, 2024).

The difference often comes down to why we act. Niceness wants to be liked. Kindness wants to help. It asks, “What does this person actually need?” even if it is uncomfortable. I once saw an adviser gently tell a student not to overload his subjects. The student was upset at first but later came back grateful. It did not feel nice in the moment, but it was right.

Honesty is where they part ways. Niceness sugarcoats. Kindness tells the truth — with care. Emotional intelligence helps us tell the truth in ways that still show care for people. It is not about being harsh, but about being real. There is a big difference between “Okay na” and “This needs work, and I will help you.”

There is also a cost to always being nice. Many of us are raised to be agreeable and to avoid offending others. Over time, this blurs boundaries. Some people keep saying yes, stay quiet when they shouldn’t, and take on more than they can. It may look admirable, but it often leads to burnout and emotional strain (Mandel, 2024).

Our culture values harmony, and that is a strength. But phrases like “Okay na ’yan” can sometimes mean avoiding what needs to be faced. When we keep things too smooth, problems remain. Kindness does not break harmony — it strengthens it by dealing with what matters.

Ultimately, niceness feels good in the moment. Kindness does good in the long run. One keeps things comfortable; the other helps people grow. Both have their place. But people remember those who helped them — not just those who were pleasant. And in a world full of appearances, that kind of presence still matters most.

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Doc H fondly describes himself as a “student of and for life” who, like many others, aspires to a life-giving and why-driven world grounded in social justice and the pursuit of happiness. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the institutions with which he is employed or affiliated.