How Do You Live With Envy and Jealousy?

By Klaus Doring

Jealousy is one of the toughest feelings we come up against in our lives. There is not much worse than this aching sense that somehow life has been unfair to us, while amply rewarding someone else. It’s even worse if that someone else is present in our daily lives, making it difficult for us to get the space we need to feel and heal our pain. We may be jealous of a sibling, a dear friend, or even famous personalities. We may even face the challenge of feeling jealous of our spouse, our child, or one of our parents. Whatever the case, we can normalize our experience by understanding that, as painful as it is, jealousy is a common human feeling.

Nevertheless, it is important that we not revel in our jealousy for too long, feeding it with inner talk or gossip with others. If we do, we run the risk of losing ourselves to its negative power. This complex emotion has something good to offer us — information about our own heart’s desire. When we envy certain people, we want what they have, and if we are to be conscious, we must acknowledge that. In this way, we discover what we want for ourselves, which is the first step to getting it. It may be a certain kind of relationship or a career. Whatever it is, it is possible that we could create it for ourselves in our own lives if we are able to honor our own desires.

Of course, there are times when we cannot heal our jealousy in this way, and then the lesson may be about acceptance and the understanding that our path is different from the paths of those around us. It may be hard to see now, but perhaps it will eventually be clear why our life has taken its particular path. In the end, the best cure for jealousy is the recognition that the life we have is full of its own meaning and beauty, utterly unique to us — a gift that could never be found in the life of another.

Jealousy often stems from feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. If you compare yourself to others and feel you fall short, it can trigger jealous feelings. Fear of loss: Jealousy can arise from a fear of losing something important to you, be it a relationship, friendship, or status.

People tend to minimize the success of others primarily because it helps them cope with their own insecurities. It’s a defense mechanism, really, and easier than accepting you might be limiting your own success. It manifests as envy because we feel others can’t possibly deserve the success they are enjoying.

Research has identified many root causes of extreme jealousy, including low self-esteem, high neuroticism, and feeling possessive of others, particularly romantic partners. Fear of abandonment is also a key motivator.

“The biggest difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy is how we manage it,” Dr. Roberts says. The former is natural, normal, and most importantly, temporary; the latter is “toxic, explosive, and uncompromising, usually indicating a desire to control the other person,” she explains.

James 3:14-16: “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambitions exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.”

People don’t hurt you by being successful; you hurt yourself by being envious of them. You are not half the people you are envying. The art of owning is just the art of self-gifting, and you only give yourself what you think about. Jealousy comes from deep within; it just takes time to unfold.

Jealousy is an uncomfortable emotion, but it’s fairly normal. We all have minor insecurities and sensitivities that can cause us to feel jealous from time to time. Sometimes it arises when a person feels insecure about their relationship.

In some cases, jealousy can lead to open conversations with loved ones. Expressing your feelings of jealousy to a partner or friend can facilitate communication and foster deeper understanding. Healthy discussions can lead to increased trust and the opportunity to work together to address concerns.

Maybe jealousy isn’t an apt descriptor, more like envy. I ask myself, why can’t I succeed like them? Why can’t life give me what I want? I don’t outwardly show disdain for my friends and family, but inside I feel as though I’m drowning. The only person I truly do not feel this way toward is my partner, because subconsciously I view him as an extension of myself.

I obviously have a lot of work to do. I will be seeking a new therapist, but I would like some advice and anecdotes on how to overcome this gritty feeling.

While there may not be a cure in the traditional sense, many individuals can manage their symptoms effectively with appropriate treatment. What should I do if I think a loved one has morbid jealousy? Encourage them to seek professional help. Offer support and understanding while maintaining your safety and boundaries.

When it comes to navigating relationships, it’s imperative that you master how to stop being jealous of others’ success. Even bonds between friends, coworkers, and family can become strained when jealousy enters the picture. When envy goes unchecked, it can wreak havoc on the ability to trust someone or even enjoy their company.

To heal relationships characterized by insecurity and dominance, it’s critical to understand what causes jealousy in the first place so those triggers can be eliminated. The answers are within you, and finding them will set you free to enjoy relationships built on trust and equality.

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