Feeling it right: Empathy, sympathy, apathy

By Herman M. Lagon

Knowing the difference between empathy, sympathy, and apathy has quiet power. These three emotional reactions help us to respond to the suffering of others, particularly in close-knit Pinoy communities where shared burdens define relationships. Though they are similar, these emotions have rather different effects on our relationships. While empathy is walking beside someone’s pain, apathy is a numb silence indicating disinterest or emotional tiredness. Sympathy is sorrow or pity for someone else’s misfortune. Our interactions—and occasionally our relationships—depend on our knowing of which response is fitting.

Empathy is, to put it simply, another’s experience. Saying, “I know that’s tough; I’m here if you need me,” you honor the struggle of a friend. Empathy calls for us to drop our ideas and emotions. Psychologist Edward Titchener first popularized empathy in 1909 as “feeling into” another’s reality. We value pakikisama, or communal unity; thus, empathy becomes second nature.

Often voiced as “I’m sorry for what you’re going through,” sympathy is softer. Not complete immersion; sympathy is an outside acknowledgment. Well-meaning sympathy can seem far-off or insufficient, much as peering through a friend’s window. Though lacking empathy, it is friendly and reassuring. In a hectic environment, sympathy is more often expressed than empathy since it requires less vulnerability and is fast acknowledged.

A different animal entirely is apathy. It lacks any link and does not respect or share in another’s emotions. Sometimes a natural reaction to emotional burnout, or what psychologists refer to as “compassion fatigue,” apathy is often misinterpreted as coldness or callousness. A teacher might begin the year in the classroom with great patience, but by year-end she might feel apathetic. When teachers get to this point, their emotional reserves are depleted, not because they don’t care. Apathy can signal that it’s time to refuel and reconnect to preserve the capacity for compassion.

Many people mistakenly believe that all emotions of compassion are empathy. Still, empathy is about connection free from judgment, not only about basic compassion. In recent mental health seminars for teachers, for instance, a facilitator asked attendees to listen to a peer’s story without interrupting or offering guidance. This little exercise made it clear how difficult empathy can be for those of us who are used to “fixing” problems. In her studies on vulnerability, Brené Brown (2018) underlines in her emphasis on empathy that it is “feeling with people,” that is, sharing space in someone else’s emotional terrain, albeit uncomfortable.

Often, sympathy teeters between pity and support. Though related, pity can come out as patronizing. Saying “Poor you” might be meant with good intentions but quietly suggests superiority. Pity stays on the surface rather than reaching into someone’s suffering. Sometimes in our society, pity—akin to empathy—is confused. For example, you might feel bad for a street vendor suffering in the heat, but empathy would be learning their background and maybe even pushing for change. While empathy advocates from inside, sympathy comforts from far-off.

Giving empathy is not always simple. For “empaths,” or those quite sensitive to the emotions of others, empathy can become intolerable. Although idealizing empathy as limitless compassion is tempting, many ‘empathetics’ feel emotional tiredness since they absorb emotions deeply, which can cause anxiety or even depression. Boundaries are especially important since a recent study in The Journal of Empathy Studies (Martinez, 2022) revealed that 60% of the polled empaths claimed experiencing “emotional overload.” Empathy becomes a dance here—connecting profoundly without losing oneself.

Teachers and parents all too well know: practical empathy usually requires listening more than speaking. Consider a student confiding in a teacher about problems in their family. While sympathy might result in advice or a quick “I’m sorry to hear that,” empathy leans in with open-ended questions, allowing students unload their emotions without rushing them. In our classrooms, empathy helps to foster a safer, more inclusive environment where students can share and develop. Studies in Educational Psychology Review (Lao, 2021) indeed show that classrooms run under sympathetic teachers report higher student involvement and lower dropout rates.

Although apathy seems the villain here, in some situations it is a sign that our emotional energy is exhausted. Think of a young professional reading about social injustices all the time. They might be first fired up, sharing posts and aligning causes. They might become numb over time and find it impossible to react to fresh atrocities. This is not indifference; often, it’s a sign that one’s capacity for empathy needs refueling. Ignatian teachings exhort us to “find God in all things,” including rest, implying that even compassion calls for moderation.

When we discuss empathy, sympathy, and apathy, we are really gauging our close relationship with others. Though it asks the most from us, empathy also returns the most and gives our relationships actual depth and meaning. Though it’s a step back, sympathy is still valuable, particularly in professional environments where limitations are required. Although apathy is usually viewed as negative, it can also indicate the need for self-care—a reminder that we, too, require nurturing. Sometimes apathy tells us it’s okay to stop and reset in a society too frequently demanding continual compassion.

Ultimately, our answers help to define the type of society we wish to create—that of the friend mourning a death, the neighbor losing a job, or the teacher silently struggling. While sympathy allows for polite distance and apathy, when controlled, it helps us rest so we may return to the world rejuvenated. Empathy invites us to walk with others. Given our friendliness and resiliency, knowing this emotional range might be the secret to a more resilient, caring society for us Pinoys.

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Like many others, Doc H affectionately characterizes himself as a “student of and for life” who hopes for a life-giving, why-driven world anchored in social justice and the search of happiness. His opinions do not always coincide with those of the companies he works for or associates with.