When utang becomes entitlement

There is a strange moment in some pautang conversations when you realize that “Pwede makahulam?” or “Pautang naman” was not entirely a question. You say, as politely as you can, “Sorry, hindi ako makakapagpautang.” Then comes another question: “Bakit?” Suddenly, ikaw pa ang kailangang magpaliwanag. May paggagamitan ka ba? Wala ka bang extra? Sweldo naman. Kahit PHP 500 lang. Before long, the person asking for your money is asking why you cannot give it.

I think many of us have been there. We do not want to sound selfish, so we start looking for an acceptable excuse. “Medyo tight ngayon.” “May binabayaran ako.” “May sakit nanay ko.” “Maraming gastos.” Sometimes these are true. Sometimes, if we are being truthful with ourselves, we say them because it feels easier to pretend we also have money problems than to say, simply, “Ayoko munang magpautang.” There is something odd about that. Why should I need to invent my own financial problem before someone respects my decision about my own money?

Part of the difficulty is very Filipino. There is hiya. There is pakikipagkapwa. We grew up with bayanihan and the idea that when somebody is in trouble, you help if you can. There is much worth keeping in that. People really do fall on hard times. A child gets sick. Tuition is due. Work suddenly disappears. The rice container is almost empty, and payday is still a week away. Asking for help can be humiliating enough. I would not want a discussion about boundaries to make us colder toward people who are genuinely struggling.

But there is a difference between asking for help and acting as though another person owes you that help. You usually see it after the first no. A respectful borrower hears, “Sorry, hindi talaga,” and accepts it. A difficult one starts bargaining. “Kahit PHP 1,000 lang.” Then PHP 500. Then comes the guilt: “May trabaho ka naman.” “Malaki naman sweldo mo.” “Akala ko kaibigan kita.” “Daw nag-night out ka man last time.” But having a salary does not mean having money to spare.

The person being asked has a life and a budget, too. There may be debts, family needs, emergencies, or savings for tuition, a home, retirement, or simply some financial security. And not every peso has to go to bills or other people. We also have a right to care for our well-being, enjoy what we worked for, travel, eat out, pursue a hobby, or simply take a break. We do not know the whole story behind another person’s money, nor should we decide how it should be spent. Having money does not make you responsible for solving someone else’s money problem.

This gets tiring when it happens repeatedly, especially when the person asking is not even particularly close to you. Sometimes a “Hi” appears on Messenger after months of silence. There is a little kumustahan, then the real message arrives: “May favor sana ako.” You already know what follows. Sometimes you simply get tired of being the person people run to for pautang. You still care about them. You still understand. But at some point, your wallet — and perhaps your patience — needs a break too.

There is also the old problem of getting the money back. “Babayaran kita sa sweldo” sounds reassuring until one payday becomes two, then three. Eventually, ikaw na ang nahihiyang maningil ng sarili mong pera. Sometimes the borrower begins avoiding you. Worse, the next request may arrive while the previous utang is still unpaid.

That delay can change more than the repayment date. It can change the relationship itself. A 2024 Bankrate survey cited by CNBC found that nearly one in four people who lent money, or paid a group expense expecting repayment, said it hurt the relationship. Financial therapist Aja Evans also reminds us of something obvious but often forgotten: money visible in your account is not automatically available for somebody else (DeVon, 2024).

Sometimes utang simply leads to another utang. You borrow from one person to pay another, and before payday comes, the salary already has somewhere to go. Some turn to costly options like 5-6 just to make it through. Another PHP 500 or PHP 5,000 may get someone through today. But tomorrow, the same problem may still be there.

Sometimes refusing another pautang is not pagiging madamot. It may simply mean refusing to help the cycle make another turn. And the answer can remain simple: “Sorry, hindi ako nagpapautang.” No invented emergency, sudden tuition, hospital bill, or broken refrigerator. You do not have to submit your personal budget for approval. “Personal rule ko lang.” If the person keeps asking, you can say, “I understand na kailangan mo, pero hindi talaga ako makakapagpautang.” Then leave it there. The more we explain a boundary, the more it can begin to sound like something open for negotiation.

Kindness still matters. There is no need to embarrass someone for asking. No need for “Do I look like a bank?” or a parinig on Facebook five minutes later. If we genuinely want to help, there may be other ways: a meal, information about assistance, a referral, a job lead, or perhaps a small amount freely given rather than lent. But even these remain choices. Help given willingly is generosity. Money handed over because someone kept pushing until we became too embarrassed to refuse feels quite different.

Perhaps that is the part of hiya we rarely talk about. The borrower may be embarrassed to ask, but the person being asked can also be embarrassed to say no. So we make excuses. We apologize repeatedly. Sometimes we even surrender a smaller amount just to end the conversation. Yet a healthy relationship should survive the words, “Sorry, hindi ako makakapagpautang” or “Pasensya gid, wala ako gapautang.” If friendship suddenly becomes cold because the wallet stayed closed, the failed transaction may have revealed something useful about the relationship itself.

“Pautang naman” will always be part of ordinary life. Sometimes the answer will be yes, gladly. Sometimes we may give instead and forget about repayment. Sometimes the answer will simply be no.

And no, you do not have to be broke first to say it.

Your money does not need an alibi.

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Doc H fondly describes himself as a ”student of and for life” who, like many others, aspires to a life-giving and why-driven world grounded in social justice and the pursuit of happiness. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the institutions he is employed or connected with.