The Coin. Always.

By Eireen Manikan

Much has been said lately about mother’s love (or the lack of it) and about a child’s respect or depth of gratitude for a parent (or lack of it) that it has even eclipsed one of the most heart-warming achievements and victories this country badly needs. As promised to myself and a small contribution to the positive well-being of my countrymen, I will refrain from naming the personalities (it is time to give them a rest regarding this issue) but talk about the situation/s arising from it and maybe learn a thing or two.

As in almost anything, (and even I need reminding at times), there are always at least 2 sides.  The Giver and Taker, The Lover and the Loved, The Con and the (Willing) Victim, The Victor and the Loser and so on.  In relationships more so, where two people are involved who have different views, feelings and beliefs even if they have almost the same DNA. Allow me to zero in on parent-offspring relationship that has been the cause of ecstasy to some yet profound heartache to others.

As Parents. Parenting is probably one of the most selfless acts a person can do (not to discount the aunts and uncles who do it). It is a most rewarding yet challenging role; a 24/7 ‘unpaid’ job but the rewards are endless. Imagine being responsible for the life of another throbbing being, for the mothers, since the first throb inside the womb especially.  (I can still remember the first months of having my son and just enjoying his being. His breath becoming mine, his smile an adjunct of my lips, his every tear a pierce in my heart…but I digress). There is an invisible bond (supposedly) that makes anyone or anything an exclusion to a certain extent in that relationship. If there is a mantra or theme all parents should have it’s: “I choose you, however, whenever.”

As Children. Being an offspring is actually no choice of ours, we are given life by our parents who usually was happy making us and was even more delighted knowing we were on the way. We grow up thinking that we are God’s gift to them and are provided a safe and happy environment conducive to an inspiring attitude that we too might become great parents some day. We are taught to cherish them and that their love is unconditional.  To respect them for they gave us life and became important figures as we were growing up. We were discreetly taught to develop a sense of gratitude and love but are not in any way obligated to “pay it back”.

Why then, if the roles are clear cut, do royal ***k-ups happen? Two sides, at least. Always.  The parents described above maybe yours or may be not.  Yours could have a different version as you were growing up which probably spelled the difference. And the children? Well, the children described may have little resemblance or none at all with who you have.  Here’s the exciting part. My 2 cents.

As Parents. They never had a choice. From the beginning. We made them from love (usually) and the moment they breathed, they were our responsibility. The harshness and difficulties of life should not come as a surprise, as we were here years before they were, hence it is not such a valid excuse when it comes to how to raise them. We should try our best, always. There is no exact recipe of a perfect way of raising children, in my opinion. There is only a clear way of loving them. Nature and nurture. How else can they sow hate, if they know love; anger if they know patience; envy if they know contentment; ungratefulness if they know how to be thankful?

As Children. Just because we did not have a choice does not mean we can blame them for everything. Parents are in the more difficult position than you, always remember that. They raise you and your siblings, unceasingly race in this thing called life plus ensure that they too have lives. If they are imperfect, so are we as children.  If they hurt us, haven’t we? Our relationship with them should be an unending love-hate-disappointment-maybe disgust- always-ending-in-love kind of thing. As we evolve and have other important people in our lives, know that they are the constant, though maybe not the most woke.

When children become richer than the parents.  Isn’t this supposed to be a happy problem? Or a non-problem at all? But sadly, in some cases it is.

As Parents. Know that that is not your wealth. It is that of your offspring. Giving birth to them, which may make you feel like you own them does not mean you own their wealth. If underage, make the children realize what they have and ensure they have it intact or more when they come of age.  When already old enough, yours is only to hope really and pray that you raised them right. Whatever happens, keep it within the family. Never in public.

As children. Getting your hands into such a considerable amount, I refuse to believe that your parents did not have a contribution directly or otherwise on how you got it.  You may not be obligated but isn’t it the best feeling to show gratitude to the ones who gave you life? Even if they hurt you at some time. Whatever happens, keep it within the family. Never in public.

Take-aways: Parents, love your children, do not live off them.

Children, love your parents, do not lose them.