Social IQ: The real game changer

By Herman M. Lagon

Years of embarrassing meetings let me realize that intelligence is insufficient for success. Being an introvert, social events drain me; occasionally, even small talks feel demanding. But life does not allow isolation, particularly in cases of leadership that call for cooperation and connection. Assuming administrative and cooperative roles in academia and beyond made social participation inevitable. I was forced to increase my social intelligence. Now, I see what everyone should learn—and what I once thought to be an inherent gift of extroverts—as a skill.

Social intelligence transcends basic name recognition and small conversation. It’s about learning to read the room, control dynamics, and create actual relationships. Psychologist Daniel Goleman (2006) describes it as a mix of social awareness—understanding people—and social facility—engaging with them successfully. This ability is vital in our society, where relationships are highly prized. Both personally and professionally, success mostly depends on our interactions with others.

One important lesson I discovered is to treat the person kindly but insistently on the matter. Many people attack people rather than face issues, which causes pointless strife. In a society where hiya (shame) shapes interactions, criticism has to be used sensibly. Aiming to master social intelligence, everyone should follow Warren Buffett’s advice: “Praise publicly, criticize privately.”

It makes a difference even something as basic as remembering names. Author Dale Carnegie noted in “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” that a person’s own name is their favorite sound. Although we usually address someone by name, using “kuya,” “manong,” “tol,” “sir,” or “boss,” adds authenticity and connection. It fits the SHR Method: it helps people to feel “seen, Heard, and Remembered”—a sometimes disregarded but effective approach to improve relationships.

Learning to “go first” is another change agent. Many hold back since many believe others are not interested in conversation. However, as social psychologist Vanessa Van Edwards (2017) points out, loneliness is a quiet epidemic, and most people value someone who has started the journey. Just a basic “Hi, I’m [your name]” can open unanticipated opportunities. Although we value “pakikisama,” or camaraderie, many people are reluctant to venture outside their spheres. Encouragement of initiative improves personal as well as professional networks.

Managing comments poses still another difficulty. To save emotions, we sometimes refrain from offering or accepting helpful criticism. But author Neil Strauss in “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” Though it must come from a place of care, growth calls for honest feedback. Without such base, criticism seems more like an attack than a chance for development.

Still, another essential component of social intelligence is emotional awareness. Workplace conflicts are often simmering beneath the surface. We interact indirectly, so it is imperative to learn to read between the lines. The best communicators are also the best listeners; they are not the best talkers. They pick up the unsaid, grasp emotions, and react sympathetically.

Done correctly, networking is about giving as much as it is about taking. Though the best networkers lead with generosity, many see it as a means of getting ahead. First, helping others creates reciprocity and trust. This is consistent with “utang na loob,” a firmly rooted culture that promotes long-term relationships based on mutual support instead of only transactions.

One underappreciated social skill is saying, “I do not know.” Many people pass for experts to avoid appearing ignorant, which, over time, erases credibility. Having knowledge gaps and displaying curiosity helps one be respected and invites learning. In a society where conceit (“mayabang”) is unacceptable, humility helps to build confidence.

Furthermore, awareness of gossip is essential. Chismis is appealing, especially in companies that value belonging. Still, it sometimes results in mistrust and damaged ties. Words fly in close-knit communities. Simply said, do not say it at all if you would not say it to the individual.

Social intelligence is not optional for leaders; it is rather vital. As author Roy T. Bennett of “The Light in the Heart” once observed, great leaders create more leaders, not followers. This implies creating settings where people feel heard, appreciated, and empowered. Productful and compassionate workplaces are defined by encouraging honest feedback, open communication, and psychological safety building.

Developing social intelligence is about honing your interactions with others rather than about changing who you are. It is about deliberate language, careful interactions, and awareness of your own emotional impact. This ability is learned, polished, and reinforced by experience; it is not limited to the outgoing or charismatic. Those who master social intelligence have the actual advantage in a society where technical knowledge sometimes takes the front stage over human connection.

My social battery runs low, and I still consider myself an introvert. But I now see the need to hone this ability for professional development and a life full of significant relationships. Ultimately, the nature of our relationships determines the nature of our lives. Social intelligence is the absent variable that too many overlook in the formula for success.

***

Doc H fondly describes himself as a “student of and for life” who, like many others, aspires to a life-giving and why-driven world grounded in social justice and the pursuit of happiness. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the institutions he is employed or connected with.