‘Marriage = Children’

By Raoul Suarez

Daw dugay na kamo gali nga kasal no? Ti pila na bata nyo?

I’m sure you have heard these lines. I have heard it a hundred times; not always directed to me but it is always a staple. It seems to be the default follow-up question that most people would ask someone who happens to be married. I’m having a hard time trying to understand why some people would repeatedly ask married couples if they already have kids or if they plan to have kids. I am amazed that some people even have the nerve to ask married couples why they don’t have any children. It sounds to me like these people mean to say or are seriously implying that having children is a pre-requisite to a fulfilled married life or an official and standard requirement if you happen to have tied the knot with your significant other. These expectations or assumptions can sometimes be offensive; sometimes if not most of the time.

“Ay! Wala pa kamo ya bata? Ngaa? Double time ah! Lagas! Pwede pa kahingagaw.”

You see, friends, there are married couples who can’t have kids due to biological reasons and have been very frustrated about it after a couple of failed treatments. Some of them have been through miscarriages. It can be very frustrating to the point that some of them already gave up on the idea of having kids. There are others who have the capacity to bear children but choose not to do so because their life is too busy and complicated enough. They just might end up not having the time to take care of their children. There are couples who are fine with the idea of having kids but are planning it really well and will surely have it in due time but not now. There are couples who are satisfied with just being together as of the moment; just enjoying each other’s company and the kids can come later or maybe not even. Some of them are just happy with the way things are. Some of them are hurting really bad to have children but they just can’t.

What’s my point? Ask the right questions. If somebody tells you that he or she is married, I think the best and the safest question would be, “Kumusta na kamo?” Let them talk. Let them tell you things. Don’t pry into their private lives by asking questions like:

“Ti may bata na kamo? Pila na bata n’yo?”

“Ti san-o n’yo plano magkabata ya?  Gaedad na kamo.”

You don’t have to do this. It isn’t your place to do so, anyway. Not even if you are their parents or close relatives. Why? Because you don’t really know if they are struggling and have been frustrated time and time again trying to have kids. Maybe they just don’t want to have kids. Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever. We can only assume. We can only dwell on the maybes unless they open up and ask for advice. Whatever their reasons are, it’s something you shouldn’t try to poke your nose in by asking the wrong questions that might trigger a response you might not like at all.

Be a pal. Be a friend. Don’t be an idiot. Try asking a different question. Do not try to step over that line. The world would be a better place if we all learned to not pry on other people’s private lives. Let them open up to you about having children, if they want to do so. Asking stupid, insensitive, and prying questions only talks about what kind of person you are – an idiot, in short.

Shut your trap and mind your own uterus.