I’m Macho Dancer

By Alex P. Vidal

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”—Alan Watts

I THOUGHT I would never see the day that my presidential quest was taken seriously by my countrymen living outside Imperial Manila.

Not until the withdrawal of The Alalay and the feared impending disqualification of survey frontrunner Bongit.

For a while, I only existed to eat the dust in the mostly paid surveys that favored Bongit and Lady Gaga.

They had actually written me off, insisting I was only good in gyrating before the klieg lights and showing my macho body for a penny in the honky-tonks, which was part of my past from being a former street waif, and has nothing to do whatsoever with my candidacy for president.

At hindi ko po ikinahihiya ang past ko. It was my past—my pre-celluloid life—that taught me how to survive in the streets of the Sin City. I needed to fill my stomach on a hand-to-mouth struggle. I hated prostitution; I hated drugs (umm, sounds familiar); but I love to collect rejected food from the dumpsters.

My constituents in the Imperial Manila have accepted me for who and what I am—my past, my present and, hopefully, my future as your president.

I’m known as a “giant killer” in the political arena: I obliterated both the behemoth late Mayor Singkit and Erap in the previous mayoral election.

I can repeat in the national election the phenomenal performances I did in the local election. I was born not only to dance and undress in rated-R movies, but to win in the elections, especially the presidency.

Kaya lang marami ang nabuwisit because I abandoned the Sin City even before I could finish my first term.

What is important? My constituents in the Sin City or my ambition?

-o0o-

Now I implore you to look, stop and listen for the biggest twist now that my fate has suddenly changed. The Alalay’s absence in the presidential race might now compel The Angry Man to finally endorse and support my candidacy.

Anytime from now, The Angry Man will shock the world by throwing his “all-out” support behind me for president and to The Daughter-Who-Cried-Wold for vice president. Sorry na lang po, Dr. Buhok, ginawa pa kitang panakip butas.

There’s nobody else but me; meaning, I have been on The Angry Man’s radar even before The Alalay filed his certificate of candidacy (COC) for president.

The Angry Man admires my style and leadership in the Sin City. The feeling is mutual. He kills drug addicts in squatter colonies; I kill rats and mosquitoes in public markets.

We haven’t said hurting words against each other that would tarnish our mutual admiration toward each other politically.

We are like inactive love birds who just kept our romantic relationship at bay until we have dispatched our respective partners and decided to reunite and rekindle our mutual infatuation.

In the heat of our passion, Dr. Buhok and The Alalay must go.

The Angry Man and I are meant for each other; our intimacy has been written in the stars.

So, whoever intends to stand in between will only end up in tears literally.

If The Angry Man’s endorsement will happen, tapos na po ang boksing.

Not even Lady Gaga, who is inching closer in the surveys, can stop my imminent victory in May 2022.

-o0o-

As for The Illiterate, Closet Queen, and Labor Leader, I humbly and magnanimously appeal to them to do what The Alalay has done and work with me without any second thought.

I can’t promise yet, for promises are made to be broken especially now that I’m still holding an empty basket, but I can dangle lucrative cabinet or ambassadorial posts for my rivals who will cancel their COCs and join my team, the winning team.

And who said that after Erap, there will be no more showbiz personalities who will occupy Malacañang’s highest office? In fact, in my most recent ambush interview with reporters, I made a declaration that six years after bowing out from Malacanang as president, I will retire from politics at 52.

I won’t go back to the Sin City Hall anymore, I said during the ambush interview. At 52, may asim pa tayo. Puede pang bumalik as Macho Dancing.

So don’t forget me and my plans for all of you. If I become your president in June 2022 (the start of my six-year tenure), I will give the entire nation the greatest dance you all haven’t seen yet in your life. That’s my style and nature. I’m Macho Dancer.

(The author, who is now based in New York City, used to be the editor of two dailies in Iloilo.—Ed)