Humor wins women’s hearts

By Herman M. Lagon

The conversation began casually over camote fries, coffee, and ice cream at the Metrocentre Hotel Lounge in Tagbilaran, Bohol. We were waiting for our research partners from USLS Jesse M. Robredo Institute of Governance during the 2nd International Social Sciences and Humanities Conference when the talk with my five lady colleagues from ISUFST—four directors and one vice president—drifted into unexpected but delightful terrain. What started as small talk about academic and personal life quickly turned into a focused group discussion of sorts: what exactly do women value most in men? Surprisingly, and unanimously, it was not physical attributes, not money, not grit, not talent, not even wit. It was humor. A sense of humor, they insisted, was their top quality in choosing a partner.

The exchange was both light and illuminating. Each of them shared different experiences, from awkward dates to longstanding marriages, but the theme was consistent. Stubbornness was fine, simplicity forgivable, modest bedroom skills not a deal-breaker, even a thin wallet excusable. But a humorless life? Never. The right man is the one who can crack a joke mid-argument and turn sulking into chuckles. I had to smile at the surprise. I thought humor was nice, but is not the main thing. But the way they spoke—genuine and in sync—was hard to dismiss.

A week later, while grabbing kimbob with my daughter at SM City Iloilo, I randomly tested this observation. She, with expectations so sky-high that I tease her about living one day with a choir of cats, confirmed it without hesitation. For her, humor is the surest marker of sincerity, wit, self-esteem, and resilience in men and friends. “Life is heavy enough,” she quipped, “why be with someone who makes it heavier?” That casual but pointed remark mirrored the very conclusion my colleagues reached. I began to wonder if laughter, more than looks or money, really is the quiet magnet of relationships.

Science seems to agree. Research in Evolutionary Psychology suggests that women consistently rate humor production—meaning the ability to make others laugh—as more important than men do, while men tend to value humor appreciation more (Bressler, Martin, & Balshine, 2006; Hone et al., 2015). Jeffrey Hall of the University of Kansas adds another layer: shared laughter, not just jokes, predicts romantic interest and long-term compatibility. When couples laugh together, he found, they are more likely to build relationships that last. In short, women look for men who can generate laughter, not simply laugh along.

It makes sense in our culture. In brownouts, it is the father who turns the darkness into candlelit comedy. In evacuation centers, couples find comfort by laughing at each other’s snores. Humor, in these moments, is not trivial. It is how we endure with grace.

One colleague told me her husband diffused a fight by mock-filing a “work order” for dishes. Another said her suitor, far from rich or good-looking, charmed her by making her laugh on jeepney rides until even strangers chuckled. Humor, in these tales, is more than charm. It is glue.

Even in long-term marriages, humor continues to be the lubricant of companionship. A 2022 study by Jach, Kubicius, and Jonason on couples found that appreciation of each other’s jokes correlated strongly with better dyadic adjustment, or in simpler words, happier relationships. Not all humor counts. My daughter reminded me that tasteless jokes, sarcasm that cuts deep, or humor used to dodge responsibility do not qualify. What women value is humor that is kind and well-timed. As a guidance counselor, I have seen how students respond better to teachers who slip in light jokes, even self-deprecating ones. They feel safer, more engaged, and more seen. Real humor shows you can read the room and put people at ease.

Interestingly, our culture has long celebrated humor as social capital. Think of Dolphy, whose charm lay not in matinee-idol looks but in his ability to make the masses laugh. Or Vice Ganda, who commands arenas not by flexing wealth but by teasingly exposing human folly. Our humor bridges class, softens pain, and builds community. No wonder women, who often shoulder the heavier emotional load in families, gravitate toward men who can wield humor with grace. It is not escapism. It is a form of empathy.

At its core, this is about joy. Great minds have long linked laughter with humility and wisdom. Joy is proof of openness, of choosing not to let bitterness rule. My Jesuit mentors taught me that true leaders laugh at themselves, and by doing so, strip away pretension. A man who cannot do this grows rigid. One who can becomes easier to trust, easier to love.

So, what happens to those of us, like myself, who were not born with comic timing? Are we disqualified? My colleagues were gentle on this. They admitted that not every man needs to be a joker. What matters is knowing how to spark joy, listen well, and answer with lightness when it fits. Humor is less a performance than an act of generosity. Even simple remarks like “Kaya pa natin ‘to, sabay lang” in moments of stress can be a form of humor if delivered with warmth. It is not about punchlines; it is about presence.

I have come to see humor less as play-acting and more as a philosophy—a gentle defiance that chooses delight amid trials. For women, it seems, that choice is magnetic. It tells them that life with this man will not just be endured, but enjoyed. That is why, whether in the quiet corners of a hotel lounge in Tagbilaran or the crowded food court of SM City Iloilo, women’s chorus of answers remains the same: humor matters most.

And perhaps that is the punchline. While men often measure themselves by income, muscles, or achievements, women quietly look for depth in laughter. In the end, the true wealth in relationships may not be gold, but giggles. And if that is the case, then maybe the best advice for men is not to lift more weights or pad their résumés, but to lighten up—literally. Life is already heavy. A shared laugh might just be the heaviest reason to stay.

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Doc H fondly describes himself as a “student of and for life” who, like many others, aspires to a life-giving and why-driven world grounded in social justice and the pursuit of happiness. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the institutions he is employed or connected with.