How to Talk to Your Cat Like a Human

By Josephine Rustomji

Disclaimer: This guide is not based on any scientific evidence and is purely for entertainment purposes. The advise provided here may be best enjoyed with a couple of aperitifs. For any actual cat-related concerns, please consult a veterinarian.

Cats, as we all know, are creatures of mystery. Or should I say “meowstery”? Their communication is often limited to meows, purrs, and the occasional hiss. But if we could bridge the gap and have a full-blown conversation with our feline friend, this guide to talking to your cat like a human (or at least, pretending you are) should be the gold standard for how to do it.

Step 1: Be a Master of the Meow:

• Experiment with different meows to communicate with your cat. Try figuring out what your cat’s meows mean and how you can express a similar sentiment using the same meows. For example: a high-pitched meow might indicate excitement, while a low, rumbling meow could signal contentment. Just rememebr that practice makes purr-fect.
• Don’t be afraid to add accents. A French accent might add a touch of sophistication to your feline conversations. But avoid the Chinese accent as much as possible. And never bring up the subject of siopao.

Step 2: Be in Purr-suit of Greater Understanding

• A cat’s purr is often a sign of contentment. But it can also be your feline friend’s way of communicating pain or discomfort. Pay attention to your cat’s body language to find out what is truly going on with your cat.
• Try purring back when you’re alone with your cat. Responding with a purr of your own can show your cat that you understand and appreciate their communication. Avoid situations where other people can see you do this. Trust me, unless you’re sure they’re cat lovers, they will not understand. Neither will they understand why, even if your leg goes dead on you, you will refuse to stand up to get your blood circulation going just because it might wake up your adorably sleeping cat.

Step 3: Learn the Language of Hisses:

• Hisses, if it’s not obvious to you yet, are warnings. A hiss is a clear sign that your cat is feeling threatened or irritated. Back off and give them space. Don’t wait for their claws to teach you how much space to give them.
• Unlike the purr, it is strongly advised to avoid hissing back. Hissing at your cat is a surefire way to escalate the situation. Instead, try to calm them down with gentle words or a soothing touch. Or a promise to go shopping if they can regulate their emotions better.

Step 4: The Power of Eye Contact:

• Prolonged eye contact,in the eyes of your cat, can be interpreted as a challenge. Do not attempt this: (1) if your cat doesn’t have a chill temperament, or (2) without protective clothing. If you value your cat, please take all the necessary precautions that show you value your life.
• Try blinking slowly. A slow blink is a feline gesture of affection. When your cat blinks slowly at you, it’s kind of their way of telling you they love you. Return the gesture by blinking slowly back at your cat to show them you care.

There you have it: four solid tips to communicating better with your furry buddy.

While this guide may not guarantee instant feline fluency, it should make your encounters with your cat a lot more interesting to you and your neighbors. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll be having full-blown conversations with your cat in a language only the two of you understand. That should make for also very interesting tips to the vet clinic.

Shiminet, for meow. Cheers.