For better or for mother

By Eireen Manikan

From the title alone, it is clear where this article is going. This is for all the married readers out there who vowed to marry the guy of their dreams, warts, and all; stay beside him despite sickness and bad luck and love him till kingdom come.  Of course, it is assumed that when all these vows were made the other star of the telenovela has not made her star performance yet. In all unions, we always think that there are just two main characters who will finish the story off but there is a third force really that all wives have to face: the mother-in-law (MIL).

I would like to borrow and misuse the famous lines of Princess Diana when describing a union: “There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.”  MILs are very much in existence and will be major characters in your storybook married life so it is best to acknowledge that early on and master how to navigate what may seem at first a very tricky maze but may end up being a wonderland after all. However, it takes the three of you really to make the marriage work and ensure that each one does their respective roles, and no one goes beyond that imaginary line that might start a Chernobyl breakout.

And so to the three main characters, take heed:

HUSBAND/SON. Remember that you are now not only a son, but you have taken on another individual to be a daughter; maybe before you formally begin your married life this you should remind your MIL. Declaring this, you should state that you expect her to be treated as such and to be loved if not as much as you are at least almost. This, my husband asked of my late MIL and has I believe been a defining moment in our relationship. As a husband, you are the main “defender” of your wife when she will be scrutinized, commented upon and questioned as to her choices and ways. Always make opportunities to bring them together and remind your wife that nothing will make you happier than for them to have a good relationship though not necessarily a close one. YOU will set the pace. Express to both sides that you will not tolerate any form of disrespect from each other and that includes making unnecessary comments however petty it might seem.

WIFE/DAUGHTER-IN-LAW. Know that you are taking on a man who is the ultimate universe of his parents particularly his mom. In view of this, any form of abuse (from both sides actually) is deemed a direct assault to them. Ensure that you support your husband and make him become the best that he can be because if the MIL sees that her son is sincerely happy then she will do her best to keep the peace. Avoid making impossible demands from your husband that may put such weight on his shoulders his parents can sniff.  Most difficult is when you agree with him to live with his parents (this will entail a different article truly).  All the adjustments are yours to make since you are not the “queen” of the roof. Learn to live with the comments your MIL may say and that may reach you, for as long as it is not downright disrespectful and will not diminish your character as a person and as a wife of her son. Otherwise, ask your husband to talk it out with his mom and ensure that it does not happen again.  There is nothing more painful for a mother than to see her son being hurt…by her ironically. When all else fails, or the marriage does not work partly because of the MIL, leave silently. Do not go around badmouthing your ex-husband and ex in-laws. That is not what decent people do.

MIL. Ahh…God knows if I will still feel this way when my son is grown, but I am digressing. Know that when your son has vowed to another then you are now sharing him with another woman. If you were the queen of his life, accept that you are now the Queen Mother, and he has his Queen Consort.  Try as you might to still shape his life (and that’s putting it mildly for some), respect him enough to give him that freedom to live a life with another person.  Just be there when the going gets rough but avoid making it rough for them.  And if you raised him well, trust that he will choose the right person for himself. All marriages should begin with this positive mantra to push the couple to the right direction. We all know the intention.  All mothers say this all the time. They mean well.  They only want what is best for the couple.  Trust me, people will always instinctively choose what’s best for them, if they fall short…thank God they have parents then! But then again, if all else fails, love your son enough not to take away the dignity he has by throwing him and his ex-wife in the gutter.  Remember, all insults hurled to your DIL reflects the choice…of your son.