Finding oneself in divorce

By Herman M. Lagon 

Divorce is sometimes mistakenly viewed as a sign of failure, but this mindset ignores the courage and tenacity required to make such a decision. Divorce is about making a brave decision to make the necessary changes in your life, not giving up. It is about discovering your actual self again, finding serenity, and going after happiness. This is not an easy decision to make; rather, it is motivated by the desire for authenticity and personal well-being in a society that frequently encourages us to remain in unpleasant circumstances.

This is so well expressed by The Bat Wolf, a powerful voice in the Divorce Pilipino Coalition Group: divorcing someone is a brave act of empowerment and self-respect. For a lot of people, leaving toxic relationships that have depleted their emotional, mental, and financial resources is the reason. Once-joyous relationships can turn into abusive and manipulative prisons. Resolving to leave such a situation is not a sign of failure but rather one of survival and self-preservation. Studies like Anderson’s (2014) study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family demonstrate that individuals who leave emotionally abusive marriages frequently experience significant improvements in their mental health; many of them report decreased anxiety and depression in as little as a year.

Divorce can also be a turning point in a person’s life, enabling them to find their true selves again outside of their unhappy marriage. It is an opportunity to rekindle neglected interests, passions, and social ties—things that frequently fade away in an unsatisfactory relationship. Wang and Amato (2016) found that when people reconstruct their lives around the things that are most important to them, divorced people frequently experience higher levels of life satisfaction. This research was published in The Journal of Positive Psychology. Discovering the courage to live true to who you are is the ultimate goal of this journey of rediscovery, not merely healing.

Divorce can also be a strong motivator for personal development. Overcoming the challenges of divorcing someone fosters emotional grit, self-awareness, and resilience. According to research published in 2018 by the American Psychological Association, people who experience divorce frequently experience increased self-efficacy and self-esteem afterward. It is not just the end; it is the beginning of something new, where you can set healthier boundaries in relationships going forward and become more aware of your own needs.

Divorce teaches you the value of healthier boundaries as you go through life. It offers the chance to grow from past errors and forge closer, more courteous bonds with others. Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Johnson & Greenberg, 2017) indicates that people who have gotten a divorce and attended counseling are more likely to go on to have more satisfying and well-balanced relationships in the future. In this way, a divorce is about assuring a better future and letting go of the past.

Contrary to popular belief, divorce can actually signal the start of a bright new chapter in a person’s life. As difficult as the journey may be, it also presents chances for happiness and personal development that are more in line with your actual self. A concept that emphasizes how life-altering events such as divorce can result in profound self-discovery, a deeper appreciation for life, and stronger, more meaningful relationships is “post-traumatic growth,” as defined by Tedeschi and Calhoun and published in The Journal of Traumatic Stress (2004).

However, getting a divorce has its challenges. Society stigmatizes divorce as an indication of personal failure. However, deciding to end a marriage that no longer fulfills you is a strong declaration of your value as a person. It is about living authentically and placing a higher value on your happiness than other people think you should. The guts to file for divorce shows a profound realization that not all relationships are meant to last and that sometimes it is best to end a relationship.

The choice to divorce is evidence of how resilient people can be. It recognizes that, despite its difficulties, change is frequently essential to progress. The decision to dissolve a marriage is motivated by pursuing a better, more satisfying life, not by a sense of defeat. It is about accepting your freedom to seek happiness and tranquility, even if it means letting go of a once-loved object.

The goal of legalizing divorce is to give those stuck in unsalvageable relationships a compassionate way out, not to undermine marriage. Ensuring that every individual, including their children, is entitled to a secure and satisfying existence irrespective of their circumstances, is all about equity and impartiality. Due to the historical vulnerability of women in abusive marriages, legal divorce is a crucial instrument for promoting autonomy and self-determination.

Our legal systems need to adapt to the ways that society does. By acknowledging that not all marriages are intended to last and that people have the right to pursue happiness outside of a failed relationship, legalizing divorce would mean bringing our laws into line with contemporary values. Legalizing divorce is about preserving individual rights and dignity, not undermining the sanctity of marriage, despite resistance from conservative and religious groups.

Divorce is ultimately not a sign of failure but rather a brave act of self-respect. It is undoubtedly necessary to regain one’s identity, well-being, and happiness. As the discussion about divorce continues, it is critical to dispel the stigma and acknowledge it as a courageous decision demonstrating grit, resiliency, and the desire for a better, more satisfying life.

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Doc H fondly describes himself as a ”student of and for life” who, like many others, aspires to a life-giving and why-driven world grounded in social justice and the pursuit of happiness. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the institutions he is employed or connected with.